Vulnerability

I'm trying to deny it. I'm telling myself that it's probably not going to happen. I cross my arms a little tighter when the topic comes up in class. "They" keep saying that by the time I'm through with the program, or by the time the program is through with me, I will be a different person, I will have gone through a lot of soul searching, and I may have left some relationships behind along the way. Every time they say it I can feel the anxiety in the room raise a couple notches, mine included. "The thing about counseling is it takes your own junk and holds it up in your face, sometimes it really pisses me off" said one of my professors. Well that's one way to put it. I don't think that my "junk" is any more dark than the next person but it's mine, and I want to hold it and nurse it and only share it when I'm ready to. "They" say that's going to hold me back. I've been thinking about vulnerability and BEING vulnerable after watching this TED talk. She says that people who are the most vulnerable talk the least about it, that people who live wholeheartedly think that vulnerability is necessary. I've been thinking about the most vulnerable people I know...that is the people who have been the most vulnerable with me. Do I think they're freaks? No. Have my views of them changed at all? No way. Do I think they're just as awesome as ever? Of course I do. So why are people so afraid of being vulnerable if it probably won't change a lot about how people see them? In fact, I hear people say all the time that they APPRECIATE those who can be vulnerable and honest and dare I say it, transparent. Looking back over my life, the most significant moments in my relationships have been when vulnerability came knocking on the door and someone decided to swing the door open and throw their arms around his waist. When vulnerability was embraced, something else was let go. Somehow through embracing vulnerability, those relationships deepened and a sense of connection and understanding was birthed. I'm in the process of looking for a counselor. I've been in the other chair before but not enough to adequately say to someone who comes to sit in MY chair that I get it, I understand what you're feeling. It would be ignorant of me to suggest people lay their vulnerabilities on the ground in front of me to sift through and analyse if I've not been in the vulnerable chair myself, over and over again. I've been doing some great reading by really inspiring and empowering women who embraced vulnerability long ago and they're helping me test the dark waters of faith. My next post will hopefully be the first day of my 28 day journey with writings inspired by one of those women. You'll hear more about it soon, promise. Until then, take a small chance and see where it takes you.