long time...

it's been almost a year since I wrote in this thing. i've spent the majority of that time learning about myself. no joke. i'll have to write about it soon...

Perhaps I am capable of a perfect score

I remember sitting down for a job review that was based on a point system. When my boss handed me back my review, the only "perfect" score was "dresses appropriately." What? I had been working so hard at this job and NOTHING I had done was honestly the best it could be at that point? He began by saying something like, "Now, don't get the wrong idea about the scores. We are very pleased with the work you do. But no one is perfect, and there is always room for improvement." Really. Forgive me sir, but by your standards then, I will never be able to say that my best is really by best.
That memory never came into my mind until recently when I've been wondering why my assignments and projects I had worked so hard on were received with such delight and enthusiasm. Based on my previous experience, I have assumed that "there is always room for improvement" and have sometimes interpreted my scores as "the professor just likes me" or "she was just grading on the curve and I got lucky."
It will take some time for me to redirect this boss' comment as I am realizing it's profound effect on how I value my performance. Perhaps I can do perfect work sometimes...

Spiritual Maturity

I've been thinking about what it means to be spiritually mature. I've also been coming back to the word "unearthed" tonight. I wonder if the two are related...
Initially I thought that spiritual maturity for me would be found in putting myself out there, going out on a limb, baring my feelings, thoughts, and questions. I think that maturity can still be found in doing this, but I feel like there is more.
Maturity is found in change.
What are the things that I allow to change in order to allow myself to mature?
I keep coming back to myself as the thing that needs to mature and I keep thinking about how when I get to know myself better, I change and therefore I mature. I ask myself a lot of questions: why are you doing that? why do you feel that way? when did you start feeling this way? what's really going on here? are you really upset about that or is it something else?
Sometimes I drive myself crazy and my brain needs to take a break from the rest of my body.
But sometimes, my brain and body have a conversation, an analysis, a heart to heart and we all emerge slightly closer with each other and more in tune with what the other needs.

Miss Invisible

This is my new favorite sad song. You gotta have those sometimes right?? It's by Marie Digby

Theres a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she cant find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry
She'll say...

Chorus

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer, I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day
When you'll ask her her name

The begining, in the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others they couldnt seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface
And she would close her eyes when they left and she fell down the stairs
And the more that they joked
And the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now
And she'll sing...

Chorus

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take a little look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day that you will ask her...her name

And one day just the same as the last
Just the days been in counting the time
Came a boy that sat under the bleachers just a little bit further behind...

Questions about the world

Miss Kristy: Can you fly?
Kid: No
Miss Kristy: Why?
Kid: Because I don't have wings
Miss Kristy: What can fly?
Kid: Unicorns
Miss Kristy: How?
Kid: Because they have smart brains and wings
Miss Kristy: If you had wings, could you fly?
Kid: Yes
Miss Kristy: Can you grow wings?
Kid: No
Miss Kristy: Why?
Kid: Because I don't have sprouts and seeds in my back
Miss Kristy: If you had sprouts and seeds in your back, could you grow wings?
Kid: Yes


Miss Kristy: What makes a rainbow?
Kid: Water
Miss Kristy: Where does the water come from?
Kid: The rain
Miss Kristy: Can you touch a rainbow?
Kid: No. Because they are too far
Miss Kristy: If you were close to a rainbow, could you touch it?
Kid: Yes
Miss Kristy: What would it feel like?
Kid: A mommy


Miss Kristy: How do you buy things at the store?
Kid: Using your hands
Miss Kristy: How do your hands help you buy things?
Kid: By moving


Kid: Miss Kristy, can you get the duck tape so I can tape these straws together?
Miss Kristy: Sure, can you answer some questions while you tape the straws together?
Kid: Sure...ummm duck tape helps us.
Miss Kristy: Do you have a brother?
Kid: Yes
Miss Kristy: Are you a brother or a sister?
Kid: A sister
Miss Kristy: What are mommy and daddy, are they brother and sister?
Kid: Ummm...no
Miss Kristy: What are they?
Kid: They're just...ok ready for the duck tape?



Miss Kristy: Can you touch the air?
Kid: Yes
Miss Kristy: How?
Kid: With my fingers


Miss Kristy: If you close your eyes, can you still listen?
Kid: Yes
Miss Kristy: Why?
Kid: Because I have good ears


Miss Kristy: What makes the leaves fall?
Kid: The wind
Miss Kristy: Where does the wind come from?
Kid: The clouds
Miss Kristy: Where do the clouds come from?
Kid: The fog


Miss Kristy: What makes a shadow?
Kid: Stuff
Miss Kristy: What kind of stuff?
Kid: Toys make shadows...and myself
Miss Kristy: How?
Kid: By using a flashlight

Just a pile of muck

I have been dabbling in pottery for the past few months and thoroughly enjoy sitting at the wheel with my hands mucky and coming out with something that's a sorry excuse for a bowl, cup, or what have you.
Pottery for me has been that hobby that is unlike anything else I've done before. Scrapping is fun but expensive. Photography is good too but I'm only good with kids. Quilting is rewarding but it takes so long to get the finished product that I lose patience. Then there came pottery. Something I have always been interested in but never took the time or seized the opportunity to explore. Since I've started pottery, there have just been a miss mash of philosophical awakenings each time I go. Largely they are of the spiritual kind.
"You have to listen" my instructor explained. "If you don't listen you'll get frustrated with yourself and with me. In order for you to do this you have to listen to what I say and try not to get ahead of where I'm telling you to go." Right.
"Put your hands together. Your hands are stronger when they're together than when they're apart." Right.
"You can reuse anything you think is a mistake." Right.
"You might think something is a mistake or it doesn't turn out how you imagined it, but sometimes they're your best pieces or they're the ones that turn out even better than you thought." Right.
"Sometimes when something isn't working you need to stop and come back to it later." Right.
"When you wedge the clay (kneed it) you wear your muscles down so you're not as likely to fight the clay when you get it on the wheel." Right.
"When you feel friction between your hands and the clay your piece will start to come apart." Right.

If I go and get nothing that I can physically hold in my hand, I walk away with an experience unlike anything else I've done before.

Sin Boldly

“If you are a preacher of grace, then preach a true and not a fictitious grace; if grace is true, you must bear a true and not a fictitious sin. God does not save people who are only fictitious sinners. Be a sinner and sin boldly,  but believe and rejoice in Christ even more boldly, for he is victorious over sin, death, and the world. As long as we are here [in this world]  we have to sin. This life is not the dwelling place of righteousness,  but, as Peter says,  we look for new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells. It is enough that by the riches of God’s glory we have come to know the Lamb that takes away the sin of the world.  No sin will separate us from the Lamb, even though we commit fornication and murder a thousand times a day. Do you think that the purchase price that was paid for the redemption of our sins by so great a Lamb is too small? Pray boldly—you too are a mighty sinner.”