to have and to hold

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending and being a part of my sister-in-laws wedding. It was a beautiful day with a stunning bride and handsome groom, so in love with each other and surrounded by friends and family who love them dearly. I've been thinking about my own marriage and how the past (almost) 8 years have changed Des and I. I've been thinking about who I was 8 years ago, the things I thought, the way I saw the world, and I realize that marriage changed me. I started thinking about the vows I made while listening to Shauna and Jon repeat their vows to each other during the rehearsal and what those vows have come to mean in my own life since the day I said those words to Des. What would I say to a young couple standing on the threshold of a life together? "To have and to hold..." Husbands, hold your wives. You will not realize the profound assurance in this gesture until you walk on your own rocky path within the context of your marriage. But husbands, if your reaction to friction (whether it involves you or not) is to hold your wife without any sexual implication, you will be the safety your wife desires. "From this day forward..." Always be moving forward. Always move yourself forward and encourage your spouse to move forward with you. There are talents, passions, hurts, and desires that are undiscovered in each other and the only way to bring them into the light is to move forward. There will be arguments and disagreements that if not resolved will come up again and again and again. Be open enough to vulnerability in order to show your spouse how you feel. Be humble enough to accept that you may be the cause of hurt or pain and validate the feelings of your spouse - no matter what your opinion of their reaction. Apologize but not unless you mean it. Don't listen to people when they say don't go to bed angry...sometimes you need time to think, to process, and decompress. "For better..." Oh, the good times you'll have. Oh the good times you'll miss if you get too busy, too distracted, too out of touch with one another. There will always be some reason to not enjoy the better times, but you'll lose the spark between you if you let those moments pass. Be curious about the other. Your spouse is always changing and one day you may not know them if you are not genuinely curious about who they are right here, right now. Take a chance. Be spontaneous. Have a picnic. Hold hands. Dance together. "For worse..." Embrace these times. They will come whether you want them to or not. They will happen and they shape you. Be honest during these times. Be vulnerable and courageous, hopeful and desperate, strong and exhausted. Whatever you are in these times, be it. Don't try to be something or someone you are not. Lean on your spouse for support but they are not responsible for your happiness. Look back on these times as benchmarks to who you are becoming. "For richer..." You will be rich. You may have a lot of money. You may have a lot of stuff. You will be rich in love, in freedom, and thought. Give to others. You may be a family of two, you may be a family of more but you will see your family as the thing that makes you rich. You will realize that what you have right now, is enough. "For poorer..." Save your pay stubs. Put them in a place where you will occasionally see what you made and you will realize that you survived no matter how little was in your bank account. "In sickness..." Take care of one another. "and in health..." Do things that healthy people can do! "To love..." Say "I love you" and say it often. Show your love. Demonstrate your love. "and to cherish..." Name the things you love about your spouse. Remind them of why you chose them. Encourage their dreams, applaud their accomplishments, and talk about them behind their back - tell other people why you're in love. "Until death us do part At the end of your life, may your heart ache because you know what it truly means to live a good life. Because you leave having known love beyond description and happiness beyond measure.