Fathers and Daughters

A friend of mine told me about a book his daughters gave him for Christmas and though the title escapes me now, it was something along the lines of "Things To Do With Dad". I got to thinking about my own experiences as a daughter, and what my own list of things for dads might look like. I think the way my own father approached raising 3 girls had a lot to do with the woman he married and he took many cues from her, but he also followed his own fatherly intuition. This is certainly not an exhaustive list, but as I look back on my life, I can see the woman I am today being molded by these early experiences with my dad. So this is a list of Things Dad's Could Do :) 1. Let her do it. If she doesn't know how, show her but for crying out loud LET HER DO IT. The summer my husband and I drove to Newfoundland we came out of a local restaurant to see that our car had a flat tire. My response was, "Awesome! Now I can learn how to change a tire". My dad smiled as he watched my husband walk me through the process of changing a tire and then patted me on the back and said, "That's it, you did it". To men, this may seem like a small thing, but to a woman whose society tells her she needs to be rescued - she can do it for herself and ask for assistance when needed. I remember being about 5 years old and helping Dad build the platform for a shed he was building. He showed me where to drive the nails and I probably bent more nails than I actually got in there straight but it was the time spent with him that I remember. And every time I walked in that shed and my feet hit the platform it was standing on, I thought about those days. 2. Equal chores. If you have both a daughter and a son (or multiples of both), expect the same chores from each. Expect your daughter to mow the lawn, take out the trash, trim the trees, re-shingle the roof, make home repairs, and wash the dishes. 2. Don't ever - EVER - tell her "because you're a girl" as a "reason" for something. I'm not talking about "You can do anything a man can do". I'm talking about the conversations that go, "You shouldn't talk like that because you're a girl". "You should cross your legs because you're a girl". "You have an easier time showing emotion because you're a girl". "I don't want you playing sports because you're a girl". And Dads, your daughter may very well grow up and work at a job where she is earning less than her male counterparts "because she's a girl". Don't let her think this is ok. 3. Tell her she's beautiful, but don't let it be what defines her. If you can facilitate your girls worth in who she is and not what she looks like - good on ya dad. Do you tell your son he's handsome? Why do you feel the need to compliment or remind your girl of her looks? You can tell her the dress she's wearing is pretty, but also tell her she's a hard worker, intelligent, and caring. 4. Be interested in what she's interested in. I can't tell you the number of solos, cheerleading competitions, softball games, band concerts, Christmas cantatas, etc, my dad spent with one of those 15 pound video cameras propped on his shoulder in support of me and what I was doing. And vice versa - let her be interested in what you're interested in. I have had the rules of football explained to me 1,000 times and it still doesn't make sense, but it's the mutual connection that matters:) 5. Play catch. This simple game is probably the single most amazing activity between a father and a daughter. If you are the type of dad who doesn't have a lot to say or who doesn't know what to say, or if you are a dad who loves conversation - playing catch with your daughter can be the vessel that supports your personality. Hint: If you act like she hurts your hand because her arm is super strong, it's a bonus. I have this memory of Dad and I standing in the backyard, with the sun setting through the trees and all I can hear is the sound of the ball making that snapping sound as it hits my glove. "Wanna have a catch?" Can become code for, "Can we spend some time together?" 6. Give her a hug. In the a book, "Dad if You Only Knew", Josh Weidman recalls his many conversations with teenagers and the things these teens with their dads knew. Teenage girls said, "I wish that when I noticeably started to become a woman, my dad would still hug me". I know it's awkward when she's in that moody teenage phase, when she pushes you away or doesn't hug back, but dad's, you gotta push through. Soldier on because she will remember that even when she was moody, and awkward, and not necessarily a nice person to be around, you STILL wanted to hug her. 7. Take her fishing. For some reason, this is treasured activity between fathers and sons, but girls get the short end of the stick. Show her how to put a worm on a hook, show her how to cast a line, untangle the line for the 8th time in a row, let her take the fish off the hook and then agree with her that after all that it would be cruel to actually keep the fish and watch it as it swims "back to it's mommy and daddy". 8. Treat your partner well. In my case, I had a mom and a dad. Treat your partner the same way you want your daughter's partner (should she choose to have one) to treat her one day. Your little girl is modeling her future partner after you - both good and bad. If you want your daughter to find someone who will encourage her growth, respect her, show compassion, and believe in her self-worth - you better make sure you are modeling that with her mom. If you're not with her mother any longer, the way you demonstrate respect is still being learned. To the dad's who continue to show up: high five.