Fathers and Daughters

A friend of mine told me about a book his daughters gave him for Christmas and though the title escapes me now, it was something along the lines of "Things To Do With Dad". I got to thinking about my own experiences as a daughter, and what my own list of things for dads might look like. I think the way my own father approached raising 3 girls had a lot to do with the woman he married and he took many cues from her, but he also followed his own fatherly intuition. This is certainly not an exhaustive list, but as I look back on my life, I can see the woman I am today being molded by these early experiences with my dad. So this is a list of Things Dad's Could Do :) 1. Let her do it. If she doesn't know how, show her but for crying out loud LET HER DO IT. The summer my husband and I drove to Newfoundland we came out of a local restaurant to see that our car had a flat tire. My response was, "Awesome! Now I can learn how to change a tire". My dad smiled as he watched my husband walk me through the process of changing a tire and then patted me on the back and said, "That's it, you did it". To men, this may seem like a small thing, but to a woman whose society tells her she needs to be rescued - she can do it for herself and ask for assistance when needed. I remember being about 5 years old and helping Dad build the platform for a shed he was building. He showed me where to drive the nails and I probably bent more nails than I actually got in there straight but it was the time spent with him that I remember. And every time I walked in that shed and my feet hit the platform it was standing on, I thought about those days. 2. Equal chores. If you have both a daughter and a son (or multiples of both), expect the same chores from each. Expect your daughter to mow the lawn, take out the trash, trim the trees, re-shingle the roof, make home repairs, and wash the dishes. 2. Don't ever - EVER - tell her "because you're a girl" as a "reason" for something. I'm not talking about "You can do anything a man can do". I'm talking about the conversations that go, "You shouldn't talk like that because you're a girl". "You should cross your legs because you're a girl". "You have an easier time showing emotion because you're a girl". "I don't want you playing sports because you're a girl". And Dads, your daughter may very well grow up and work at a job where she is earning less than her male counterparts "because she's a girl". Don't let her think this is ok. 3. Tell her she's beautiful, but don't let it be what defines her. If you can facilitate your girls worth in who she is and not what she looks like - good on ya dad. Do you tell your son he's handsome? Why do you feel the need to compliment or remind your girl of her looks? You can tell her the dress she's wearing is pretty, but also tell her she's a hard worker, intelligent, and caring. 4. Be interested in what she's interested in. I can't tell you the number of solos, cheerleading competitions, softball games, band concerts, Christmas cantatas, etc, my dad spent with one of those 15 pound video cameras propped on his shoulder in support of me and what I was doing. And vice versa - let her be interested in what you're interested in. I have had the rules of football explained to me 1,000 times and it still doesn't make sense, but it's the mutual connection that matters:) 5. Play catch. This simple game is probably the single most amazing activity between a father and a daughter. If you are the type of dad who doesn't have a lot to say or who doesn't know what to say, or if you are a dad who loves conversation - playing catch with your daughter can be the vessel that supports your personality. Hint: If you act like she hurts your hand because her arm is super strong, it's a bonus. I have this memory of Dad and I standing in the backyard, with the sun setting through the trees and all I can hear is the sound of the ball making that snapping sound as it hits my glove. "Wanna have a catch?" Can become code for, "Can we spend some time together?" 6. Give her a hug. In the a book, "Dad if You Only Knew", Josh Weidman recalls his many conversations with teenagers and the things these teens with their dads knew. Teenage girls said, "I wish that when I noticeably started to become a woman, my dad would still hug me". I know it's awkward when she's in that moody teenage phase, when she pushes you away or doesn't hug back, but dad's, you gotta push through. Soldier on because she will remember that even when she was moody, and awkward, and not necessarily a nice person to be around, you STILL wanted to hug her. 7. Take her fishing. For some reason, this is treasured activity between fathers and sons, but girls get the short end of the stick. Show her how to put a worm on a hook, show her how to cast a line, untangle the line for the 8th time in a row, let her take the fish off the hook and then agree with her that after all that it would be cruel to actually keep the fish and watch it as it swims "back to it's mommy and daddy". 8. Treat your partner well. In my case, I had a mom and a dad. Treat your partner the same way you want your daughter's partner (should she choose to have one) to treat her one day. Your little girl is modeling her future partner after you - both good and bad. If you want your daughter to find someone who will encourage her growth, respect her, show compassion, and believe in her self-worth - you better make sure you are modeling that with her mom. If you're not with her mother any longer, the way you demonstrate respect is still being learned. To the dad's who continue to show up: high five.

Acceptance

Libby joined our family in December of last year but I guess we were not "officially" a family until January due to our travels to Newfoundland for Christmas. We knew that the process of getting Libby and Brody to the point where they could be left alone together was going to take a lot of time and patience. Brody has a slight obsession with cats and cats normally, are not a fan of said obsession - Libby was no exception. She started in the spare room in hiding. She stayed behind the couch for a few days only coming out to eat and use her litter. Brody slept by the bedroom door and pressed his nose under the opening in hopes of getting a whiff of his new sister. Eventually, we would have supervised visits with Brody and Libby together. One or both of them would end up falling asleep. We both work in the spare room so our next move was a baby gate in the door separating them both while we were working. Libby would often sit either on her perch in the window or on the bed while Brody would sleep beside the gate. When the gate finally came down, Libby would sneak out into the living room and jump on her carpet tree - again out of Brody's reach. While all of this was going on, Libby was moving slowly with us as well. She would slowly move into my lap and stay for just a little while but as soon as Brody would come into sight, she would leap to a safe hiding place. Eventually, we would see them lying on the same blanket or with their tails touching while watching us in the kitchen. This morning, Libby leaned into Brody so he could lick her ears. She's now lying across my lap making it very awkward to type because her head is resting on the back of my hand and it bounces around when I move my fingers. It took a long time before she purred while in my lap and it still makes me tear up - this audible sound of contentment and safety. I couldn't force them to get along and I certainly couldn't force Libby to feel safe with me. It has been quite remarkable to watch this trust build. The trust between Brody and Libby and her trust with us. When we come home, it's not just Brody coming out to greet us but Libby too. In Brody's excitement he will practically run her over but she just braces herself and allows him to hip check her, because she knows she's safe. Libby reminds me that people and animals have a great capacity to learn to trust. Brody reminds me that there's always room for one more and acceptance is a given.

to have and to hold

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending and being a part of my sister-in-laws wedding. It was a beautiful day with a stunning bride and handsome groom, so in love with each other and surrounded by friends and family who love them dearly. I've been thinking about my own marriage and how the past (almost) 8 years have changed Des and I. I've been thinking about who I was 8 years ago, the things I thought, the way I saw the world, and I realize that marriage changed me. I started thinking about the vows I made while listening to Shauna and Jon repeat their vows to each other during the rehearsal and what those vows have come to mean in my own life since the day I said those words to Des. What would I say to a young couple standing on the threshold of a life together? "To have and to hold..." Husbands, hold your wives. You will not realize the profound assurance in this gesture until you walk on your own rocky path within the context of your marriage. But husbands, if your reaction to friction (whether it involves you or not) is to hold your wife without any sexual implication, you will be the safety your wife desires. "From this day forward..." Always be moving forward. Always move yourself forward and encourage your spouse to move forward with you. There are talents, passions, hurts, and desires that are undiscovered in each other and the only way to bring them into the light is to move forward. There will be arguments and disagreements that if not resolved will come up again and again and again. Be open enough to vulnerability in order to show your spouse how you feel. Be humble enough to accept that you may be the cause of hurt or pain and validate the feelings of your spouse - no matter what your opinion of their reaction. Apologize but not unless you mean it. Don't listen to people when they say don't go to bed angry...sometimes you need time to think, to process, and decompress. "For better..." Oh, the good times you'll have. Oh the good times you'll miss if you get too busy, too distracted, too out of touch with one another. There will always be some reason to not enjoy the better times, but you'll lose the spark between you if you let those moments pass. Be curious about the other. Your spouse is always changing and one day you may not know them if you are not genuinely curious about who they are right here, right now. Take a chance. Be spontaneous. Have a picnic. Hold hands. Dance together. "For worse..." Embrace these times. They will come whether you want them to or not. They will happen and they shape you. Be honest during these times. Be vulnerable and courageous, hopeful and desperate, strong and exhausted. Whatever you are in these times, be it. Don't try to be something or someone you are not. Lean on your spouse for support but they are not responsible for your happiness. Look back on these times as benchmarks to who you are becoming. "For richer..." You will be rich. You may have a lot of money. You may have a lot of stuff. You will be rich in love, in freedom, and thought. Give to others. You may be a family of two, you may be a family of more but you will see your family as the thing that makes you rich. You will realize that what you have right now, is enough. "For poorer..." Save your pay stubs. Put them in a place where you will occasionally see what you made and you will realize that you survived no matter how little was in your bank account. "In sickness..." Take care of one another. "and in health..." Do things that healthy people can do! "To love..." Say "I love you" and say it often. Show your love. Demonstrate your love. "and to cherish..." Name the things you love about your spouse. Remind them of why you chose them. Encourage their dreams, applaud their accomplishments, and talk about them behind their back - tell other people why you're in love. "Until death us do part At the end of your life, may your heart ache because you know what it truly means to live a good life. Because you leave having known love beyond description and happiness beyond measure.

Vulnerability

I'm trying to deny it. I'm telling myself that it's probably not going to happen. I cross my arms a little tighter when the topic comes up in class. "They" keep saying that by the time I'm through with the program, or by the time the program is through with me, I will be a different person, I will have gone through a lot of soul searching, and I may have left some relationships behind along the way. Every time they say it I can feel the anxiety in the room raise a couple notches, mine included. "The thing about counseling is it takes your own junk and holds it up in your face, sometimes it really pisses me off" said one of my professors. Well that's one way to put it. I don't think that my "junk" is any more dark than the next person but it's mine, and I want to hold it and nurse it and only share it when I'm ready to. "They" say that's going to hold me back. I've been thinking about vulnerability and BEING vulnerable after watching this TED talk. She says that people who are the most vulnerable talk the least about it, that people who live wholeheartedly think that vulnerability is necessary. I've been thinking about the most vulnerable people I know...that is the people who have been the most vulnerable with me. Do I think they're freaks? No. Have my views of them changed at all? No way. Do I think they're just as awesome as ever? Of course I do. So why are people so afraid of being vulnerable if it probably won't change a lot about how people see them? In fact, I hear people say all the time that they APPRECIATE those who can be vulnerable and honest and dare I say it, transparent. Looking back over my life, the most significant moments in my relationships have been when vulnerability came knocking on the door and someone decided to swing the door open and throw their arms around his waist. When vulnerability was embraced, something else was let go. Somehow through embracing vulnerability, those relationships deepened and a sense of connection and understanding was birthed. I'm in the process of looking for a counselor. I've been in the other chair before but not enough to adequately say to someone who comes to sit in MY chair that I get it, I understand what you're feeling. It would be ignorant of me to suggest people lay their vulnerabilities on the ground in front of me to sift through and analyse if I've not been in the vulnerable chair myself, over and over again. I've been doing some great reading by really inspiring and empowering women who embraced vulnerability long ago and they're helping me test the dark waters of faith. My next post will hopefully be the first day of my 28 day journey with writings inspired by one of those women. You'll hear more about it soon, promise. Until then, take a small chance and see where it takes you.

long time...

it's been almost a year since I wrote in this thing. i've spent the majority of that time learning about myself. no joke. i'll have to write about it soon...

Spiritual Maturity

I've been thinking about what it means to be spiritually mature. I've also been coming back to the word "unearthed" tonight. I wonder if the two are related...
Initially I thought that spiritual maturity for me would be found in putting myself out there, going out on a limb, baring my feelings, thoughts, and questions. I think that maturity can still be found in doing this, but I feel like there is more.
Maturity is found in change.
What are the things that I allow to change in order to allow myself to mature?
I keep coming back to myself as the thing that needs to mature and I keep thinking about how when I get to know myself better, I change and therefore I mature. I ask myself a lot of questions: why are you doing that? why do you feel that way? when did you start feeling this way? what's really going on here? are you really upset about that or is it something else?
Sometimes I drive myself crazy and my brain needs to take a break from the rest of my body.
But sometimes, my brain and body have a conversation, an analysis, a heart to heart and we all emerge slightly closer with each other and more in tune with what the other needs.

Miss Invisible

This is my new favorite sad song. You gotta have those sometimes right?? It's by Marie Digby

Theres a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she cant find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry
She'll say...

Chorus

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer, I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day
When you'll ask her her name

The begining, in the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others they couldnt seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface
And she would close her eyes when they left and she fell down the stairs
And the more that they joked
And the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now
And she'll sing...

Chorus

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take a little look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day that you will ask her...her name

And one day just the same as the last
Just the days been in counting the time
Came a boy that sat under the bleachers just a little bit further behind...